How to Summon Ye Demon Aleister Crowley to Visible Appearance(Humor)

How to Summon Ye Demon Aleister Crowley to Visible Appearance

(A Rite for Father’s Day)

From an ancient Graeco-Eyptian Manuscript in the Egyptian National Museum.

Ye Banishing

Banish by showing a picture of Aleister Crowley to the eight directions, saying “Get Off My Cloud” at each space mark, and each time give the Middle Finger Salute to the direction. Or ye may wear a Crowley Mask during the banishing. This will scare away any non-Thelemic entities and entice Crowley to the Circle.

Ye Place of Working

In the middle of the circle should be a Crucifix, lots of beer (Crowley hated beer), and a copy of an A.E Waite book (Crowley liked Waite about as much as he liked beer). This will keep Crowley from invading the circle in his true form.

Ye Preliminary Insultation

The celebrants sit in the circle and consume beer, marijuana and other intoxicants, all the while profaning the demon Crowley, reviling him at every turn. Every couple of minutes a different celebrant should break into the conversation and say: “I wish Crowley were here to hear you say that.” Getting stoned inside the circle where he can’t reach you and insulting his name will draw Crowley to the Circle, itching to manifest and rip you into confetti.

Ye First Insultation

The appointed Priest reads each sentence aloud, and the Celebrants repeat it after him. “I invocate and conjure thee, o ye blasphemous toad Aliester Crowley! Long have ye taunted us from beyond the grave, meddling with the brains of acid messiahs and politicians, smirking at us from behind your silly Egyptian hat! I command you to appear before us now, if you’re the great magician they say you are! Being armed with the power of beer and cigarettes I command it!”

(Pause for a minute)

“O worm-eaten necromancer, hear me. A sadistic game you have played with your disciples long enough. You lure the curious down halls of Aliester Crowley statues and Crowley altars at every turn, only to lead the travellers to a mirror at the end of the path, and they realize their god was them all the time. BUT BY THAT TIME THEY HAVE BOUGHT ALL YOUR BOOKS!!
Thou art a slick advertiser selling bottled air.

“I invoke you by the names: To Mega Therion! Perdurabo! Baphomet! The Beast 666! Fo-Hi! Count Alexander Svareff! Chiao Khan! Alys! Etc. Come thou forthwith, without delay, from any and all parts of the world thou mayest be, and make rational answers unto all things that we shall demand of thee, for thou art conjured up by the name of the living and true god Xerox!

Ye Second Insultation

If the obstinate Beast refuses to show himself, repeat ye second insultation:
“By the power of the slave god Jehovah, I command you to appear!”

“By twenty generations of Plymouth Brethren, I constrain you to appear!”

“By Leah Hirsig’s bedpan, I lure you to appear!”

“With seven vestal virgins, I entice you to appear!”

“With seven lines of fine Peruvian Cocaine, I tempt you to appear!”

“With seven young, gay, Arabian boys I seduce you to appear!”

“By a gram of China White Heroin, I DARE you to appear!”

“Just to see if I have all that shit, I DEFY YOU TO APPEAR!”

Ye Grand Insultation

Another joint is passed around while the celebrants wait for a sign of Crowley’s appearance. His manifestation can take many forms, and each adept should comment on anything he/she should hear or see that might be Crowley, from insects to rocks to vegetation. While the joint is smoked, each of these possible signs is discussed and either discarded or seized and put in the middle of the circle. These objects touched by Crowley are HOO-HAHS and should be kept by the celebrants as Power Objects.

If Crowley still does not appear in physical form, a final and most powerful CRITICIZATION and INSULTATION is uttered by the Priest:

“Come on man! This is embarrassing! We do the ritual and you promise it will work and you don’t show up. That’s just like you, you lime-sucking bald-pate of an English windbag! We come out here, dress in fine apparel and take strange drugs and all that shit, and all we get out of it is sitting around in fine apparel stoned on strange drugs. Come on you lecherous old fart! You can tantalise us with a little visible appearance, can’t you? Just show us a leg and a part of a helmet like Buer showed you, hunh? That is if you got the balls. COME ON CROWLEY SHOW US THAT BEAST OF A WANGER YOU BRAG ABOUT ..”

As soon as this is said, Crowley will manifest on the outside of the circle, if not in bodily form then as a breeze or something more tenuous but everything that moves outside the circle has been touched by him. Each celebrant who hasn’t found a Crowley Hoo-Hah yet should go out of the Circle and find one. They are piled in the middle of the Circle.

These Crowley Hoo-Hahs can be used for any and all types of Thelemic Magick. They’re almost as good as Crowley Knucklebones and Crowley Toes.

Ye Banishing

A reverse banishing should be performed. Face the inside of the circle, point Crowley’s picture or mask to centre of the circle, and at each of the eight points, say “Under my Thumb” while you grind your thumb into your outstretched palm.

Ye Warning

The O.D takes no responsibility for the consequences of performing this rite. Crowley’s manifestation is sometimes violent: once a whole group of adepts was found buggered to death! Be Forewarned!

Collegium ad Inner Sanctum
This year Kung Fus Shun, rand OHOOD

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